Thoughts While Riding in A Car

Thoughts While Riding in A Car

When I travel as a passenger and a book gets boring, the wheels in my mind roll wild with ideas. I began by thinking…I would rather fly than drive, so why don’t I start a private commercial airlines with a Go Fund Me Page… called  SHERRY AIR

And my mind starts to generate the whole plan…

ABOUT SherryAir:

My airline is used by people who are not wearing business suits, who have common sense, and just want to get there safely. Most of my adult customers are minimalists who can be ready quickly and travel light. Every plane has Economy plus fat-butt seating [no fancy first class] with seat belts made for real people sizes, and a middle bathroom as well as front and back. Average seats are made for people weighing 200 pounds. We have both front and back door loading onto the plane [back door loads larger people easily]. We have a one row seat in the back with a supersize seat for a person of girth [maximum of 600 pounds].

We don’t fly on Easter Day, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day, New Years Day, or Labor Day. You take off so why shouldn’t we?

No meals, drinks, or snacks are served.

You may and are encouraged to bring bottled water on board, but don’t let us catch you sneaking on with a juice box, red pop, or any sticky dumbass drink to spill on our plane! Your stupidity will be rewarded with public humiliation and a rag with cleaning product to clean up your mess appropriately because we are not your mother.

Every plane seats a maximum of 50 people [E170] and only two rows on either side of the aisle of two seats each–No one is ever in the middle. Aisles are wider to fit the current robust size of all US citizens. Also, the back row of four are never sold and held for pilots or staff connecting to other flights, or used to isolate sick people, breastfeeding moms, people who need a time out, or flight attendants who don’t want to sit in the jumper seat in the back. All seats flying in the US cost exactly the same…$400 each.

You have to go onto the Sherry Air website to buy tickets instead of these fuck-you attitude-incidental charges-travel sites who charge different fees every hour/day/minute. On my site you can cancel up to 24 hours in advance without any fee and full reimbursement.  Costs increase only if our fuel costs increase significantly. Our flight staff are paid $15 per hour, and they are allowed to take cash tips from passengers for being entertaining and nice on each flight.

My flights would avoid LAX, Kennedy and other big international airports, flying to lesser used Regional airports.

We have three different types of flights. Adult flights, Pet People Flights and Kids and Family flights. Descriptions to follow.

 

FLIGHTS AND STAFF:

The basic flight rules are made clear when you book, by email follow-up, when you arrive, and again at the gate. Read the damn rules ahead of time.

All flights leave every 3 hours starting at 7 am (10am, 1 pm) and ending with the last flight at 4 pm because our employees have a life too. If you are late, we typically cannot accommodate you the same day, so buy an alarm clock, leave your house early enough to allow for traffic, flat tires, or your weak bladder. If we have an empty seat you get it, if you have a whole family of crazy people to fly and you missed it, good luck….they will be meeting you there later.

Your poor planning does not constitute an emergency on our part.

All staff have a name tag saying “Sherry”, even if they are men, that way you won’t forget their names. All staff wear cartoon character hospital scrub-like uniforms and tennis shoes because they want to be comfortable and have a sense of humor. Each Sherry is given Mom-sense training, self-defense class, and taught how to tolerate you with a smile.

Right before take-off, each Sherry will announce: “Sit down, shut up, and hold on. If you are too dumb to figure out the seat belt, hold up your hand. If we begin decent rapidly and before intended, or you find yourself upside down,  we are likely going to crash land and you will be instructed philosophically how you might handle that information for the next few minutes. An oxygen mask may drop with change in cabin pressure. Put it on, breath heavily and deeply like Darth Vader and hum the Star Wars theme music or the Jaws theme. When you stop humming the O2 flow stops. This prevents us from suffering through your screams while we deal with our own philosophical issues about death. If you do not know these music themes, please hold up your hand. Your seat and seat back pocket have floatation devices available even though we are flying over land and you won’t need it. Read your safety cards if you give a shit. By the time you figure out how to use this crap, our pilots will have heroically landed the plane.”

All Sherry’s will smile, jokingly but tastefully tease, and even appropriately hug you if you ask for it. [You are asked to sign a waiver prior to boarding so if you ask for a hug, there will not be a sexual harassment case filed because you are needy.]

All Sherry’s will be grandma-like in attitude, firm but kind, and will share honest and gut punching wisdom if you need some. Discussions over 3 minutes between passenger and any Sherry will be charged a counseling fee of $5 per minute payable directly to her. We take Visa, MasterCard, and Discover. All flights have active on board cameras at every angle that record idiotic activity on the flight for us to laugh at later.

BAGS and BOARDING:

Each passenger is allowed one normal backpack-sized or smaller carry on–all other bags are checked at one bag only per person, and that bag must be under 40 pounds. No exceptions, and No baggage fees.

Any bag that is overweight, oversized, or just stupid-ridiculous wrapped in duct tape or Hello Kitty stickers holding it shut because it has no zipper or closure, will be shipped  in a box to your destination at your cost to arrive whenever –because you are an idiot. 

A smile or a knock knock joke is required with your ticket to pass entrance gate when loading the plane. This assures that you have the right attitude for boarding.

Boarding is simple, we load back to front, in seat number order so people in front don’t get hit in face and arms by the bag lady walking all the way to the back of the plane. No one is a certain “class” of people here, you are numbered or alphabetized, just like in elementary school. If you come up to the boarding gate before your row is called you won’t get on. People with disabilities get on in front row seats-last- and close to a bathroom so staff aren’t rushed and can really take time to help them after everyone else is seated.

No eating on the plane. –Don’t be bringing stinky food on my plane. You can eat at your house, in your car, or anywhere else. No one wants to sit next to your smelly mess. The gate keeper will not let you board with any food. No dang snack tupperware of Cheerios to spill on the floors either unless it’s a Kids and family flight.

Sherry staff will be meeting you at the boarding platform and if you smell bad or are dressed like a half-naked hooker, you will not be boarding the plane. Soap and sweatpants will be provided with directions to the airport restroom and a nonsense fee to cover our cost and inconvenience.

You may not use your cell phone from the moment you enter the loading door onto the plane so just turn it off, because it is frankly annoying to others and if you didn’t realize that, I am telling you now that they all hate you. No one wants to hear all your personal or work drama, so do it while you are waiting to board or off the plane like considerate people do.  Thank you.

Pet People Flights  Pets include dogs or cats only. No reptiles or non-domestic exotic critters will be allowed. All pets under 35 pounds would be allowed in a small sized crate bolted on the floor next to owner seat–Dog seating is purchased at $150 each and only one pet per crate unless they are smaller than a squirrel. Spaces for cats will be limited because we are dog people, and tolerate as few cats as possible. Other carry-on animal crating must be checked as baggage and animal is put into the bolted crated/area already assigned on plane. Owner seats are $400 each and there are only 30 people maximum seats per plane. One person and pet per row. Flights take off at 7a-10a-1p and 4 p daily.

Owners showing signs of rabies or insanity may be asked to fly inside a Plexi-gated area with their pet.

Large pets that are claimed to be a service dog must have a certification from a physician and a veterinarian of such designation and have appropriate pet vest, tags, and behave as service dog is expected. Dogs that run around and bark uncontrolled are not service dogs, and we are not idiots so don’t try us. Even a therapy dog must have basic obedience ability. If a dog does not respond to basic obedience commands at the loading gate by our Sherry Gatekeeper, the dog will be denied any special consideration as a service dog and the owner will be ejected via our spring loaded platform for stupidity. Your dog will then be reassigned to an intelligent owner. Dogs wearing diapers, leaking any substance, wearing a muzzle, acting aggressive, or obviously ill, will not board the plane.

Pet People Plane is carpeted with artificial turf, with a drainable subfloor and air filtration system. The plane is hosed out daily with disinfectant steam spray. Dog owners must remove #2 with poop bags provided, use a poo-pouri spray provided, and dispose of the bag in the poop-shoot slots located throughout the plane, then return to their seat and dog into enclosed area. Extreme Pet flights are available monthly to transport dogs will non-communicable illnesses, Veterinarians and their staff, and shelter dogs needing transport to new homes. These flights will hold until every seat/crate is sold for a planned future departure.

Adult flights are booked  for 16 and over and no children under driver’s license age. This is so no one on adult flight has to deal with arguments, sticky fingered stupidity, and screaming infants and parents who don’t know how to–or don’t care to –deal with their own spawn. You know who you are.

Kids and Family flights leave at 10 am and 1 pm only because typically parents can’t get their crap together and fight morning traffic to arrive for the 7 am flight. We hope by the 1 pm flight,  nap time will ensue for our flight staff. If your stupid stroller weighs 5 times what your kid does, don’t bring it!!! It has to weigh less than 20 pounds or it’s not being loaded on the plane…simple as that. UPS that shit to your destination or rent a cadillac stroller when you get where you are going.

In the event you must take your herd of ankle-biters along on a trip, our Kids flights will tolerate them and offer a few amenities. We include potty chair in family bathroom in back, and a complimentary snack kit and parent helper including:  Samples of adult ibuprofen and children’s Benadryl, napkins, poo-pouri spray, and poison control center number. Extra amenities like diapers, wipes, duct tape, and shiny things…etc…are available for purchase from your Flight Governess.  All passengers, except those in diapers, will be asked to go potty before take off to prevent unnecessary accidents during flights. A diaper change station is available in the bathroom. Adult noise controlled bathrooms are available in front of plane with high door locks. Photo sensors will not allow doors to close if a child enters. Adults only…we mean it! Mom has to be able to escape somewhere to cuss or poop alone. Governess’s are available for 15 minute childcare incriments at a minimal fee payable by Visa, MasterCard and Discover. Thank you.

Kids Flights plane floor has artificial turf with a drain away subfloor, and like our pet plane, is steam sanitized. Flight staff are trained in CPR, child-care, and have family counselor training. Note: If you cannot handle your kids, we offer see-through plexi-caged areas that pop up from the floor [integrated with air holes,] 3 feet wide and 5 feet long, with 3 foot high walls and a small outside locking door. This is offered with a signed waiver and an extra seat fee and only used while in the air and not upon take off or landing. After all, we are all about safety and sanity.

Fancy pants pretenders and materialistic people who can’t laugh at life better stay off my planes. Those type people won’t be happy when my staff teases them, and my staff of Sherry’s who realists will tell them [after counting to 3 or giving them a cup of Cherrios] to “suck it up buttercup”, because dissatisfaction is caused mostly by your own piss poor attitude. Specific fliers who act out inappropriately during their trip will be banned from flying again.

Personal thoughts…

The problems with flight booking and mistreatment of passengers will likely continue because the big airlines have the market cornered. Until another airline finds a way into the market and makes flying less stressful, we are screwed.

Even though I agree with disgust resulting from the latest Airline treatment of  passengers shown on social media, I have reason to believe some of the problems continuing to be posted lately are also caused by misbehaving or stupid passengers.

I fly a lot and have seen a lot of stupid passenger behavior…especially those who obviously think the world exists to revolve around them and who have crappy attitudes before they get on board.

In reality, our culture has become so damn spoiled by instant satisfaction attitudes that some passengers on planes think they have a right to treat staff with less than common decency and are entitled to act badly because they paid to fly. While most passengers are mildly frustrated but act appropriately accepting of it, there is that one jerk or jerkette that adds to your flight misery.

Who’s ready to fly with Sherry Air?

This is how my brain works when riding in a car for 12 hours. 

 

 

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Sustainable wax cloth?

Sustainable wax cloth?

I have always been an avid recycler. My dad started me on it when he collected cans. We lived beside a main highway outside of Columbus, Indiana. The old state road was a dumping place for everyone’s thrown out cans. Dad would go out there and pick up bags full, crush the cans, and take them to recycling for cash. It wasn’t much cash then at pennies per pound, but he did it anyway. My parents were not hippies, but they were from the depression era before WWII when you had to reuse and collect things for the war effort. This attitude had the advantage of using things up or repurposing everything possible. Early recyclers, they taught me well.

I have three bins in my yard. One for organic trash, one for cans, plastics, and other food box recyclables, and one regular trash can. The basic recyclable can ends up filling up (over 33 gallons) in three weeks while the regular trash can weekly never has more than 2 kitchen bags in it, and those are not full bags. I tried to compost once, and it was a real mess and drew bugs that killed my plants, so I stopped doing that.

Along with recycling, I often read about sustained reusables and how to stretch the dollar and save the planet. I tend to use products made in America, no BPA, recycled plastics, or buy products packed in glass or recyclable materials. I buy eggs in cardboard containers instead of styrofoam, and am picky about reading labels for the recycle symbols. I am careful to consider eating out and if the place offers styrofoam take out containers or cardboard. All in all, I feel like I do my best to be a good earth citizen.  However, I don’t believe in overdoing for the sake of something better to do.

I read about these beeswax covers a lady makes to cover or wrap her food because saran wrap has toxins in it that leaks into the water in landfills. Now, I don’t use much saran wrap as I put my leftovers into reusable containers with lids and rarely wrap things in plastic. Except, I use ziplock freezer bags because I have not found anything better to keep freezer burn off of meat. I do reuse bags if I can by washing them and hanging them to dry in the sun. I use parchment paper or wax paper on the meat before putting them in the zip bags to prevent the raw meat from touching the inside of the bag. But I don’t make my own beeswax material to wrap food! That is going to far.

I pondered this at first, thinking, “oh, that is a neat idea.” Then I read the directions and thought, “I don’t have time for this shit”.  It is all fine and good but really, I don’t have the patience to sprinkle and iron, sprinkle and iron, to get the right consistency of wax melted on the cotton cloth I have cut with pinking shears to look pretty.  I also don’t iron my sheets or dress clothes. Ironing is another waste of time and why I buy wrinkle free things.

Put down the iron lady, because aluminum foil is recyclable! My mom would use it to cover food and then after use, she would wash it in the sink, fold it up and put it in the recycle can bag with dads collection. People often forget about aluminum foil unless they are grilling out. It is a handy item to have for a lot of reasons, but most of all because you can recycle it. According to research, it takes less than 60 days to return recycled aluminum back into a usable item, which is much less time than any other recyclable. I found out from my research that most cars contain recycled aluminum. You don’t even have to crush it or wash it anymore because of the process used to clean it, remove paints from it, and crush it into blocks at the recycling centers.

So, while I support anyone trying to do their part in sustainable earth-friendly products, I won’t be creating beeswax cloth to show my dedication anytime soon.

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Don’t you hate it when..?

I was noticing a girl in line the other day with a toddler who embarrassed her in the check-out line by taking off her clothes. I laughed even though mom was clearly angry.

I thought about all the embarrassing moments in my life that seem oh so funny now. Those moments are sometimes hard to live down, but as you learn how to not take life so seriously, those moments are just part of existence.

So, I decided to write down a bunch of those moments in time, some experienced by me and some by friends who may have not found the humor at the time.

Don’t you hate it when…

You realize that you are wearing socks that don’t match.

You realize that you are sitting in traffic with the windows down…singing, and see people  in the next car are laughing at you.

You are sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green and cars are blowing horns because…it’s a stop sign dummy!

You are speeding to get where you are going and realize you passed a cop.

You wake up late for work, shower, dress, and jump in the car in record time….then you realize it’s Saturday and you don’t work today.

You water your plants and wash the car and it starts to rain–hard.

You have forgotten that you promised to donate a baked item to the church, so you swing by the store to buy it instead and see the preacher there and feel that God is giggling at you?

Your youngest child tells a coworker (when you run into her at the store) what you had said about her being a pain in the ass when you were mad after work one day last week?

You forgot to clean your bathroom before your book club group comes over and pray that your husband put the seat down?

Your toddler throws a conniption fit kicking and screaming on the store department store yelling “I hate you” and you want to disappear but instead pick up the screaming child and races to the car leaving a basket of items behind?

Your dog decides to pee on the leg of your neighbor while you stop to talk on a walk around the neighborhood?

You have days when you drop or break everything you touch?

You have had a bad day, and your husband or kids have found your stash of chocolate and eaten it all?

You come upon extra money but have so many bills you have to use it for that?

You get sick after weeks of taking care of your sick kids but no one takes care of you?

You trip on flat even pavement in front of many people! (Then you look down to see what imaginary thing tripped you and cuss at it.)

You go to a baby shower and have bought the same gift as another guest because you didn’t complete the registry at the store because you were in a hurry.

Go to a wedding and were responsible to bring something but forgot it and have to run to Walmart at 3 pm, dressed like a fairy princess in an ill-fitting dress and ugly shoes?

Don’t you hate it when you have plans and life just happens throwing a wrench in all your plans? This is just a simple list of little things that can happen to make us detour from our plans daily. Embarrassment and disappointment are temporary alterations to the agenda. These things do not cause tragic changes in life like death, divorce, or bankruptcy.

Get on with life, don’t let small stuff get you down. It is in these moments you learn more about yourself and have opportunities to do it differently. Most of my embarrassing moments in life I laugh at now and mark as great memories because they are part of who I have become.

“If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.”  Erma Bombeck

 

 

What Mom Didn’t Tell Me About Being A Wife

inside_out_02_disgust_by_miacat7-d8a4fkfMoms tell us about “becoming a woman,” when you have your monthly visitor. She tells us about the horrors of pregnancy and delivery of the first baby…at least some mom’s do. They discuss private things and answer questions about bodies and why men do things. However, there are things mom’s don’t really share that I will share today.  If you are planning on marriage any time soon, please read on to understand what delights marriage holds in the coming years.

Now, I do support marriage and a life long commitment to a good man but let’s be honest, most men are just a mess!  If they are not so when you marry, just give them a few years.  They make embarrassing noises at inappropriate times, they say things in public that make you want to crawl in a hole, they act like morons when you least expect it, and then they do something cute that makes you laugh and you forgive them. It is the woman’s curse really how we put up with them when they have done stupid things because they hold some kind of attraction that made us fall for them in the first place. But there it is. Love.

As they grow older, they lose things. You will hear often, “honey, where is my…(fill in the blank with wallet, keys, pants, favorite underwear you have thrown away, black shoes, lucky golf towel, etc…).” I swear he must think I have some sort of uterine radar for all his lost items.

Then there is the undeniable foe of all wives – – the toilet seat. It is a battle we have been fighting for many years, and promised to outlast all world wars. Men just cannot always remember to lower that seat, especially at night when the room is pitch black and you end up ass in cold water cussing at two am while they snore unaware.

The junk drawer is a shared mess, but there is the eventual argument over a lost tool that you may or may not have borrowed to hang a picture or fix something. He walks around banging, cursing, and then gets mad when you go directly to his tool shop area and picks up the thing he needs that was there all the time. That never goes over well.

After age fifty things start changing in a man’s body dear.  Hair starts to grow less thick out of the scalp and grows instead out of ears, neck, and other undesirable places. This only becomes a problem when they need help grooming because they cannot reach there anymore. Ugh. Yes, this will happen eventually or you will just have to look at it. After all, it doesn’t matter to him because he cannot see it. But you become affixed looking at that one wild hair coming out of the bottom of his earlobe at a dinner one night. It is moving with the passing fan overhead. You cannot even eat because it keeps waving at you while you are ignoring his story of a guy at work…blah blah…wave wave with black splendor even though his hair is all grey now!

But my favorite pet peeve that absolutely makes me crazy like a dog with a short tail he will never catch is the pee dribbles on the toilet rim.  Yes, they rarely use toilet paper, but instead just give it a wag or shake. Just ask them! Inevitably, they will leave behind a trail on the rim, the seat, or on the floor. If you want proof, walk into your bathroom at night with a black light and see what pee stains are there. You better be prepared, this might really gross some of you ladies out! When mentioned, most men might make a half effort, but really…if it doesn’t bother them they just don’t get why it bothers you so much. That is generally the man’s attitude about most things that annoy women. They may pretend to get it, but they don’t.

When I got married, I never knew about all of these annoying little habits men have. I never saw my dad do these things. But later, mom explained that she just went behind him and cleaned up but never mentioned it. She was a master of never rocking the boat but just doing what needed done to satisfy her own need of a clean home and happy family. I watched her just doing things without every speaking about it and didn’t even realize that I would either have to do the same or live alone some day.

What I propose is a new set of vows for women and men.These are realistic vows that make the two think before they say “I do”. You are welcome to modify, add to, or change to suit. These are the things I wish mom had told me about way in advance.

Dear Partner:

I vow to leave you every morning with I love you and every night with a kiss even if we are a little upset.

I vow to not try and change you to be who I want because that just frustrates me and is not realistic.

I vow not to be angry when you leave 2 ounces of milk in the jug and put it back into the frig.

I vow to walk beside you in your pissy moods and bad attitudes just maybe not so close.

I vow to care for you when you are sick and enjoy your company when you are well.

I vow to not hide my purchases under the bed or in the trunk until I can truthfully say to you, “Oh I bought that a while ago…you must not remember.”

I vow to put the toilet paper roll on the way I want, and leave it alone when you put it on the way you want even when I know I am right.

I vow to wipe up my own bodily functions from the commode before leaving the bathroom because that is just gross and lazy.

I cannot promise not to annoy you but will love you even if you annoy me sometimes.

I vow that even in our worst fights, I will stop and remember all those things about you that make me love you even if in that moment they are not apparent through flaming nostrils.

I vow never to call you names, physically harm you, and never to forget that you have a large family member who may not be afraid to go to jail to protect you.

I promise to not scold you for farting in the privacy of our home, and to help you pop zits on your back, cut or groom things on you when you ask, and generally be helpful to keep you in a prime condition to provide me with yearly spa days I may need to keep my sanity. (This does not include you saying… “smell this” because that never ends well.)

I vow that I will still love you as your body starts to look like our grandparents do now.

I vow that as you get to old to stand alone, feed yourself, or to insane to know what time of day it is, I will be there to take care of you or have you institutionalized to get the care that you need.

I vow that if I don’t make good on these vows I will be open to talking about them again, and at length because I love you and you are now my best friend and forever part of my family.

It is quite a test to live with one partner for many years, but a comfort to know others have done it and it can be done. Maybe mom knew not to tell me all this stuff because if she had, I may never have married at all. Mom, you are my hero.