When I travel as a passenger and a book gets boring, the wheels in my mind roll wild with ideas. I began by thinking…I would rather fly than drive, so why don’t I start a private commercial airlines with a Go Fund Me Page… called SHERRY AIR
And my mind starts to generate the whole plan…
My airline is used by people who are not wearing business suits, who have common sense, and just want to get there safely. Most of my adult customers are minimalists who can be ready quickly and travel light. Every plane has Economy plus fat-butt seating [no fancy first class] with seat belts made for real people sizes, and a middle bathroom as well as front and back. Average seats are made for people weighing 200 pounds. We have both front and back door loading onto the plane [back door loads larger people easily]. We have a one row seat in the back with a supersize seat for a person of girth [maximum of 600 pounds].
We don’t fly on Easter Day, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day, New Years Day, or Labor Day. You take off so why shouldn’t we?
No meals, drinks, or snacks are served.
You may and are encouraged to bring bottled water on board, but don’t let us catch you sneaking on with a juice box, red pop, or any sticky dumbass drink to spill on our plane! Your stupidity will be rewarded with public humiliation and a rag with cleaning product to clean up your mess appropriately because we are not your mother.
Every plane seats a maximum of 50 people [E170] and only two rows on either side of the aisle of two seats each–No one is ever in the middle. Aisles are wider to fit the current robust size of all US citizens. Also, the back row of four are never sold and held for pilots or staff connecting to other flights, or used to isolate sick people, breastfeeding moms, people who need a time out, or flight attendants who don’t want to sit in the jumper seat in the back. All seats flying in the US cost exactly the same…$400 each.
You have to go onto the Sherry Air website to buy tickets instead of these fuck-you attitude-incidental charges-travel sites who charge different fees every hour/day/minute. On my site you can cancel up to 24 hours in advance without any fee and full reimbursement. Costs increase only if our fuel costs increase significantly. Our flight staff are paid $15 per hour, and they are allowed to take cash tips from passengers for being entertaining and nice on each flight.
My flights would avoid LAX, Kennedy and other big international airports, flying to lesser used Regional airports.
We have three different types of flights. Adult flights, Pet People Flights and Kids and Family flights. Descriptions to follow.
FLIGHTS AND STAFF:
The basic flight rules are made clear when you book, by email follow-up, when you arrive, and again at the gate. Read the damn rules ahead of time.
All flights leave every 3 hours starting at 7 am (10am, 1 pm) and ending with the last flight at 4 pm because our employees have a life too. If you are late, we typically cannot accommodate you the same day, so buy an alarm clock, leave your house early enough to allow for traffic, flat tires, or your weak bladder. If we have an empty seat you get it, if you have a whole family of crazy people to fly and you missed it, good luck….they will be meeting you there later.
Your poor planning does not constitute an emergency on our part.
All staff have a name tag saying “Sherry”, even if they are men, that way you won’t forget their names. All staff wear cartoon character hospital scrub-like uniforms and tennis shoes because they want to be comfortable and have a sense of humor. Each Sherry is given Mom-sense training, self-defense class, and taught how to tolerate you with a smile.
Right before take-off, each Sherry will announce: “Sit down, shut up, and hold on. If you are too dumb to figure out the seat belt, hold up your hand. If we begin decent rapidly and before intended, or you find yourself upside down, we are likely going to crash land and you will be instructed philosophically how you might handle that information for the next few minutes. An oxygen mask may drop with change in cabin pressure. Put it on, breath heavily and deeply like Darth Vader and hum the Star Wars theme music or the Jaws theme. When you stop humming the O2 flow stops. This prevents us from suffering through your screams while we deal with our own philosophical issues about death. If you do not know these music themes, please hold up your hand. Your seat and seat back pocket have floatation devices available even though we are flying over land and you won’t need it. Read your safety cards if you give a shit. By the time you figure out how to use this crap, our pilots will have heroically landed the plane.”
All Sherry’s will smile, jokingly but tastefully tease, and even appropriately hug you if you ask for it. [You are asked to sign a waiver prior to boarding so if you ask for a hug, there will not be a sexual harassment case filed because you are needy.]
All Sherry’s will be grandma-like in attitude, firm but kind, and will share honest and gut punching wisdom if you need some. Discussions over 3 minutes between passenger and any Sherry will be charged a counseling fee of $5 per minute payable directly to her. We take Visa, MasterCard, and Discover. All flights have active on board cameras at every angle that record idiotic activity on the flight for us to laugh at later.
BAGS and BOARDING:
Each passenger is allowed one normal backpack-sized or smaller carry on–all other bags are checked at one bag only per person, and that bag must be under 40 pounds. No exceptions, and No baggage fees.
Any bag that is overweight, oversized, or just stupid-ridiculous wrapped in duct tape or Hello Kitty stickers holding it shut because it has no zipper or closure, will be shipped in a box to your destination at your cost to arrive whenever –because you are an idiot.
A smile or a knock knock joke is required with your ticket to pass entrance gate when loading the plane. This assures that you have the right attitude for boarding.
Boarding is simple, we load back to front, in seat number order so people in front don’t get hit in face and arms by the bag lady walking all the way to the back of the plane. No one is a certain “class” of people here, you are numbered or alphabetized, just like in elementary school. If you come up to the boarding gate before your row is called you won’t get on. People with disabilities get on in front row seats-last- and close to a bathroom so staff aren’t rushed and can really take time to help them after everyone else is seated.
No eating on the plane. –Don’t be bringing stinky food on my plane. You can eat at your house, in your car, or anywhere else. No one wants to sit next to your smelly mess. The gate keeper will not let you board with any food. No dang snack tupperware of Cheerios to spill on the floors either unless it’s a Kids and family flight.
Sherry staff will be meeting you at the boarding platform and if you smell bad or are dressed like a half-naked hooker, you will not be boarding the plane. Soap and sweatpants will be provided with directions to the airport restroom and a nonsense fee to cover our cost and inconvenience.
You may not use your cell phone from the moment you enter the loading door onto the plane so just turn it off, because it is frankly annoying to others and if you didn’t realize that, I am telling you now that they all hate you. No one wants to hear all your personal or work drama, so do it while you are waiting to board or off the plane like considerate people do. Thank you.
Pet People Flights Pets include dogs or cats only. No reptiles or non-domestic exotic critters will be allowed. All pets under 35 pounds would be allowed in a small sized crate bolted on the floor next to owner seat–Dog seating is purchased at $150 each and only one pet per crate unless they are smaller than a squirrel. Spaces for cats will be limited because we are dog people, and tolerate as few cats as possible. Other carry-on animal crating must be checked as baggage and animal is put into the bolted crated/area already assigned on plane. Owner seats are $400 each and there are only 30 people maximum seats per plane. One person and pet per row. Flights take off at 7a-10a-1p and 4 p daily.
Owners showing signs of rabies or insanity may be asked to fly inside a Plexi-gated area with their pet.
Large pets that are claimed to be a service dog must have a certification from a physician and a veterinarian of such designation and have appropriate pet vest, tags, and behave as service dog is expected. Dogs that run around and bark uncontrolled are not service dogs, and we are not idiots so don’t try us. Even a therapy dog must have basic obedience ability. If a dog does not respond to basic obedience commands at the loading gate by our Sherry Gatekeeper, the dog will be denied any special consideration as a service dog and the owner will be ejected via our spring loaded platform for stupidity. Your dog will then be reassigned to an intelligent owner. Dogs wearing diapers, leaking any substance, wearing a muzzle, acting aggressive, or obviously ill, will not board the plane.
Pet People Plane is carpeted with artificial turf, with a drainable subfloor and air filtration system. The plane is hosed out daily with disinfectant steam spray. Dog owners must remove #2 with poop bags provided, use a poo-pouri spray provided, and dispose of the bag in the poop-shoot slots located throughout the plane, then return to their seat and dog into enclosed area. Extreme Pet flights are available monthly to transport dogs will non-communicable illnesses, Veterinarians and their staff, and shelter dogs needing transport to new homes. These flights will hold until every seat/crate is sold for a planned future departure.
Adult flights are booked for 16 and over and no children under driver’s license age. This is so no one on adult flight has to deal with arguments, sticky fingered stupidity, and screaming infants and parents who don’t know how to–or don’t care to –deal with their own spawn. You know who you are.
Kids and Family flights leave at 10 am and 1 pm only because typically parents can’t get their crap together and fight morning traffic to arrive for the 7 am flight. We hope by the 1 pm flight, nap time will ensue for our flight staff. If your stupid stroller weighs 5 times what your kid does, don’t bring it!!! It has to weigh less than 20 pounds or it’s not being loaded on the plane…simple as that. UPS that shit to your destination or rent a cadillac stroller when you get where you are going.
In the event you must take your herd of ankle-biters along on a trip, our Kids flights will tolerate them and offer a few amenities. We include potty chair in family bathroom in back, and a complimentary snack kit and parent helper including: Samples of adult ibuprofen and children’s Benadryl, napkins, poo-pouri spray, and poison control center number. Extra amenities like diapers, wipes, duct tape, and shiny things…etc…are available for purchase from your Flight Governess. All passengers, except those in diapers, will be asked to go potty before take off to prevent unnecessary accidents during flights. A diaper change station is available in the bathroom. Adult noise controlled bathrooms are available in front of plane with high door locks. Photo sensors will not allow doors to close if a child enters. Adults only…we mean it! Mom has to be able to escape somewhere to cuss or poop alone. Governess’s are available for 15 minute childcare incriments at a minimal fee payable by Visa, MasterCard and Discover. Thank you.
Kids Flights plane floor has artificial turf with a drain away subfloor, and like our pet plane, is steam sanitized. Flight staff are trained in CPR, child-care, and have family counselor training. Note: If you cannot handle your kids, we offer see-through plexi-caged areas that pop up from the floor [integrated with air holes,] 3 feet wide and 5 feet long, with 3 foot high walls and a small outside locking door. This is offered with a signed waiver and an extra seat fee and only used while in the air and not upon take off or landing. After all, we are all about safety and sanity.
Fancy pants pretenders and materialistic people who can’t laugh at life better stay off my planes. Those type people won’t be happy when my staff teases them, and my staff of Sherry’s who realists will tell them [after counting to 3 or giving them a cup of Cherrios] to “suck it up buttercup”, because dissatisfaction is caused mostly by your own piss poor attitude. Specific fliers who act out inappropriately during their trip will be banned from flying again.
The problems with flight booking and mistreatment of passengers will likely continue because the big airlines have the market cornered. Until another airline finds a way into the market and makes flying less stressful, we are screwed.
Even though I agree with disgust resulting from the latest Airline treatment of passengers shown on social media, I have reason to believe some of the problems continuing to be posted lately are also caused by misbehaving or stupid passengers.
I fly a lot and have seen a lot of stupid passenger behavior…especially those who obviously think the world exists to revolve around them and who have crappy attitudes before they get on board.
In reality, our culture has become so damn spoiled by instant satisfaction attitudes that some passengers on planes think they have a right to treat staff with less than common decency and are entitled to act badly because they paid to fly. While most passengers are mildly frustrated but act appropriately accepting of it, there is that one jerk or jerkette that adds to your flight misery.
Who’s ready to fly with Sherry Air?
This is how my brain works when riding in a car for 12 hours.